That’s the question I secretly ask myself all the time. I know I’m not the greatest human being. I have more flaws than I can count – I get angered easily, I can be impulsive, I’m brutally honest, I’m grumpy (especially in the mornings), I’m stubborn, I’m overprotective, and the list goes on… But I’m also compassionate, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, honest, loyal, respectful, loving, funny, courageous, and strong. I’m always there for others when they need me, and I always go beyond what’s expected because when I love, I love deeply and truthfully. But I guess that’s not enough for some people.
I hate being ignored! It really depresses me when I text/email somebody and they completely ignore me. Too often the excuse for not replying back is that they (1) are “too busy”, (2) they never received my message, or (3) they meant to but forgot to. I’m sure things come up, things that are out of our control happen (like bad signal interferes with incoming/outgoing messages), but when this happens all the time and meanwhile you see them actively communicating with others through social media and meeting up with other friends and family members, then it naturally makes you feel like it’s not a coincidence.
Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something that offended them, that apparently I can’t recall? Do I annoy them by reaching out “too often”? Even though I only message them every few weeks because everyone needs their space and has their lives, so I’m not the type to talk on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis. Is that a problem to some? Like they want to talk more often? So many questions but yet no answers. I can’t read minds and I don’t like assuming so it’s hard to say what has made some friends and family members drift away from me.
I’ve messaged them when it’s their birthday to send them good wishes. I message them on holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas to let them know that they are thought of and missed dearly. I invite them to do fun things like go to the beach, go for a walk at a trail, go shopping, join me and my family on a holiday celebration, or to simply come over to my house to hangout. I bring them gifts on special occasions such as the birth of a child, a baby shower, wedding, graduation, etcetera. I know some of this may seem materialistic, but that’s one of the ways I show my loved ones that I care. I like to do craft projects for gifts, or buy them things. But I mostly love spending time with them whether face-to-face because they are near, or through messages when they are far.
Have I changed? Is that what bothers some of them? We all change though, I mean that’s natural of life. We don’t remain the same person we where back in elementary school or high school. Life makes us grow and change whether we want that or not. We get a serious romantic partner, we move in with them, we have kids, we choose a career that may or may not involve college, we create debt yet gain investments, we lose, we gain, we go through traumatic experiences or losses, all of which shape us into the people we are. And the growing, the changing never stops. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean it would be horrible to be an immature, irresponsible, and naive individual your whole life. But I’m sure not everybody got the “Wake up! You’re an adult” call.
I just simply wish people where more honest. I know that’s probably a far-fetched dream but I could handle it so much better if this so called friend or family member (including in-laws) would simply tell me “Hey I didn’t message you back because I didn’t feel like it… I don’t think we click like we used to.” or something like that. At least I could stop wondering. There’s nothing wrong with a civil conversation were both parties say what’s on their mind and express their feelings so that neither one can be left clueless or hurting. I am not the type to gossip, start drama, curse people out, or fight (verbally or physically). That’s just not my thing, and who knows if that’s why honesty isn’t always used by people. Maybe they fear my reaction or maybe they just simply lack a conscious, and would prefer to hurt me by stonewalling me. I don’t know.
What’s even worse, is when you see them in real-person. They act all cool and talkative like they haven’t been ignoring you for months or years. And that in turn pisses me off even more because you get this weird vibe like they are forcing themselves, or their facial expressions wreak fakeness. Sometimes a small glimpse of hope starts to form in your heart and mind, and so you decide to reach out to them after the in-person encounter, but guess what happens? They ignore you yet again.
In certain situations these friendships/relationships are easier to cut out of your life completely without it affecting you emotionally. But when it comes to a friendship you’ve had for a long time, lets say over 10 years, it can hurt you deeply. Or if it’s a family member (including an in-law), then it can also hurt or affect your interactions with multiple family members, including your spouse sometimes. I’ve had plenty of problems with my in-laws over the past 7 years, and how one person feels about me has affected the opinions and feelings of how others see me and my husband. But that’s another topic for another time.
For now, I want to wrap up this entry by saying that it sucks to be such a caring and sensitive person. I hope someday soon I can move past all the heartless people who have hurt me in one way or another, and that I can grow stronger and wiser from all these experiences. Good intentions don’t always lead to good outcomes, but if I can learn from life’s lessons, than at least it has served its purpose.
Winter Owl ❄️🌛